Well, it has been a while since i posted. again. My classes are done and i got an A in each one. Yay!! My cumulative GPA is now 3.75. It would be higher, but i need to remember that i did fail ENG Comp 101 the first time and i did get a B in math TWICE. So, a 3.75 is still good. I am going to a picnic for the human services honor society next week where i will find out if i will be nominated secretary for next year. For now, i am looking foward to my summer and i may volunteer somwhere so that i won't get too bored.
The reason i have not posted in so long is because i have had alot on my mind and my heart and i did not really know what to say about it. And sometimes, seeking the silver lining is not all that easy for me. My first reaction to things that don't go well is to brood for a while. It does not come natural for me to seek the silver lining, nor to seek the will of God. But, i usually come around--which is where i am today.
Motherhood is such a blessing to me. My love for my children has been one of the reasons i have become the woman i am today. God has blessed me with three wonderful children and I thank Him all the time. However, for me, the powerful love that i have for my children can sometimes cause me some pain also. I guess love in general can cause pain. Whenever we give our hearts to someone and love them, we also open ourselves up to pain. We can't really have one without the other.
I hate pain. I hate physical pain. I hate emtional pain. And when my children are in pain, i feel their pain as if it were my own. Their tears bring about my tears. Their heartbreak is my heartbreak. I probably don't have to tell you that one of my biggest fears is that my children will hurt and there will be nothing i can do about it. That kind of love is too close, some will say. But, it is my way, and i don't even know if i could change it, even if i wanted to. The fact that i am aware that it may be too close a relationship is about as good as i can do right now. Maybe it is normal. Maybe all mother's feel their children's pain in their own hearts. Maybe not. But i do.
So, when one of my children hurts, my first response is--what can i do to make that hurt stop. Yes, i do know that sometimes, many times, we need to hurt in order to grow. Therein lies the problem. It goes against everything i am to let my children hurt. But, i also know that sometimes they will actually NEED to hurt in order to grow.
I worry alot lately about whether or not i am doing the right thing for my kids. Especially Rachel. I saw that public school was hurting her and so i pulled her out. I thought i was doing the right thing, but now i am not sure. Was it just MY fears that made me take her out? Was it really what she needed, or should she have learned to deal with it? I don't know, but i just have the feeling that i may have done the wrong thing. I am not the same mother i was when i schooled Erin and Matt. I am not strong in the rule department anymore. In fact, i am a bonafide woos. I am not as sure of myself and my teaching as i was. It seems like Rachel and i fight WAY more than me and the others did. I just don't know if i am helping her or actually harming her. I don't have as much time to devote to her schooling as i did with the others. It is not a life-style for me like it used to be. And Rach doesn't have the same desire to learn that Erin did. It seems like pulling teeth because she doesn't like it. I see her getting lonely and i wonder if the couple friends she had in school was better than none. She doesn't get along with the neighborhood kids and it breaks my heart to see her watching her old playmates playing outside, but she can't join them because they just gang up on her. I don't know if i have what she needs. And that hurts me.
A few days ago, she told me that she wanted to leave home and go live with Tiffany, who is like an older sister to her. On the one hand, i knew that she wanted to live with Tiff because Tiff doesn't make her follow any rules and buys her, brings her, lets her do whatever she wants. It's like a vacation over there. Of course she wants to live there! On the other hand, it was like a slap in the face. Because it was like she was telling me that my best was not good enough for her. That we, as her family, weren't good enough for her. That i wasn't good enough for her. She was, like, totally serious. She had called Tiff and asked her to come get her. They went out for ice cream to talk. They came home and took me aside and told me that Rachel didn't want to live with me at home anymore, but wanted to go to Tiffs. I asked her why and she said she didn't know, she just needed a break. A break? from what? Her whole life is a break! That's when i started thinking that maybe i have been doing the wrong thing. I had turned my life upside-down for her, and she still was miserable. I had Steve talk to her, because i was too hurt and confused. I did not want to say the wrong thing and drive her away even more. Well, they talked and i told Tiff that Rachel would not be spending so much time with her for a while and the she (Tiff) needed to stop spoiling her and she needs to be a better influence on Rach. Rachel and i have since had a long talk. We both cried. I did tell her that i wasn't sure if we should continue home schooling next year. I have to think about it. And pray about it. It was a good talk, but i still feel bad. And i'm pretty sure she does too:( I thought that this was what God wanted me to do and maybe it is. But now i am doubting. And hurting. And i know that she may be hurting too. I just don't know how to make it better.
So, that is what has been in my heart. Thanks for listening. It always makes me feel a bit better to write things down. Even if it hurts. For me, its kind of like draining the bad stuff out of a wound. So, if you pray, please pray for me and my Rachel. If you don't.......well, you should ;). Feel free to comment any thoughts or advice.
The silver lining? My children are healthy. AND they have the OPTION to school at home. Many would love to school at home and just can not do it. Many mothers whose children are sick would love to have to worry about the things i am worrying about now. So....Thank you Lord for the health of my children and for allowing me to stay home with them to be here when they need me.
today i am thankful for:
1. Healthy Kids
2. Stable Finances
3. My husband's heart
Thank You Lord!!!