Friday, May 8, 2009

Hearts and Hurts

Well, it has been a while since i posted. again. My classes are done and i got an A in each one. Yay!! My cumulative GPA is now 3.75. It would be higher, but i need to remember that i did fail ENG Comp 101 the first time and i did get a B in math TWICE. So, a 3.75 is still good. I am going to a picnic for the human services honor society next week where i will find out if i will be nominated secretary for next year. For now, i am looking foward to my summer and i may volunteer somwhere so that i won't get too bored.

The reason i have not posted in so long is because i have had alot on my mind and my heart and i did not really know what to say about it. And sometimes, seeking the silver lining is not all that easy for me. My first reaction to things that don't go well is to brood for a while. It does not come natural for me to seek the silver lining, nor to seek the will of God. But, i usually come around--which is where i am today.

Motherhood is such a blessing to me. My love for my children has been one of the reasons i have become the woman i am today. God has blessed me with three wonderful children and I thank Him all the time. However, for me, the powerful love that i have for my children can sometimes cause me some pain also. I guess love in general can cause pain. Whenever we give our hearts to someone and love them, we also open ourselves up to pain. We can't really have one without the other.
I hate pain. I hate physical pain. I hate emtional pain. And when my children are in pain, i feel their pain as if it were my own. Their tears bring about my tears. Their heartbreak is my heartbreak. I probably don't have to tell you that one of my biggest fears is that my children will hurt and there will be nothing i can do about it. That kind of love is too close, some will say. But, it is my way, and i don't even know if i could change it, even if i wanted to. The fact that i am aware that it may be too close a relationship is about as good as i can do right now. Maybe it is normal. Maybe all mother's feel their children's pain in their own hearts. Maybe not. But i do.

So, when one of my children hurts, my first response is--what can i do to make that hurt stop. Yes, i do know that sometimes, many times, we need to hurt in order to grow. Therein lies the problem. It goes against everything i am to let my children hurt. But, i also know that sometimes they will actually NEED to hurt in order to grow.

I worry alot lately about whether or not i am doing the right thing for my kids. Especially Rachel. I saw that public school was hurting her and so i pulled her out. I thought i was doing the right thing, but now i am not sure. Was it just MY fears that made me take her out? Was it really what she needed, or should she have learned to deal with it? I don't know, but i just have the feeling that i may have done the wrong thing. I am not the same mother i was when i schooled Erin and Matt. I am not strong in the rule department anymore. In fact, i am a bonafide woos. I am not as sure of myself and my teaching as i was. It seems like Rachel and i fight WAY more than me and the others did. I just don't know if i am helping her or actually harming her. I don't have as much time to devote to her schooling as i did with the others. It is not a life-style for me like it used to be. And Rach doesn't have the same desire to learn that Erin did. It seems like pulling teeth because she doesn't like it. I see her getting lonely and i wonder if the couple friends she had in school was better than none. She doesn't get along with the neighborhood kids and it breaks my heart to see her watching her old playmates playing outside, but she can't join them because they just gang up on her. I don't know if i have what she needs. And that hurts me.

A few days ago, she told me that she wanted to leave home and go live with Tiffany, who is like an older sister to her. On the one hand, i knew that she wanted to live with Tiff because Tiff doesn't make her follow any rules and buys her, brings her, lets her do whatever she wants. It's like a vacation over there. Of course she wants to live there! On the other hand, it was like a slap in the face. Because it was like she was telling me that my best was not good enough for her. That we, as her family, weren't good enough for her. That i wasn't good enough for her. She was, like, totally serious. She had called Tiff and asked her to come get her. They went out for ice cream to talk. They came home and took me aside and told me that Rachel didn't want to live with me at home anymore, but wanted to go to Tiffs. I asked her why and she said she didn't know, she just needed a break. A break? from what? Her whole life is a break! That's when i started thinking that maybe i have been doing the wrong thing. I had turned my life upside-down for her, and she still was miserable. I had Steve talk to her, because i was too hurt and confused. I did not want to say the wrong thing and drive her away even more. Well, they talked and i told Tiff that Rachel would not be spending so much time with her for a while and the she (Tiff) needed to stop spoiling her and she needs to be a better influence on Rach. Rachel and i have since had a long talk. We both cried. I did tell her that i wasn't sure if we should continue home schooling next year. I have to think about it. And pray about it. It was a good talk, but i still feel bad. And i'm pretty sure she does too:( I thought that this was what God wanted me to do and maybe it is. But now i am doubting. And hurting. And i know that she may be hurting too. I just don't know how to make it better.

So, that is what has been in my heart. Thanks for listening. It always makes me feel a bit better to write things down. Even if it hurts. For me, its kind of like draining the bad stuff out of a wound. So, if you pray, please pray for me and my Rachel. If you don't.......well, you should ;). Feel free to comment any thoughts or advice.

The silver lining? My children are healthy. AND they have the OPTION to school at home. Many would love to school at home and just can not do it. Many mothers whose children are sick would love to have to worry about the things i am worrying about now. So....Thank you Lord for the health of my children and for allowing me to stay home with them to be here when they need me.

today i am thankful for:
1. Healthy Kids
2. Stable Finances
3. My husband's heart
Thank You Lord!!!


  1. Hello Mrs. Furman!
    My heart truly goes out to you and I will definitely be praying. I know how Rachel feels, at least to some degree. I went through a similar feeling of loneliness when I decided to wear dresses all of the time. All of a sudden, the friends that I had had before were no longer part of my life. The thing is, at first it really hurt me, but now, I wouldn't trade that time in my life for anything. Through my loneliness, lack of friends, and confused feelings about the difficult decisions I was having to make, God drew me closer and closer to him and I found that He was the only thing I really needed in order to have a happy and full life.

    I think you are doing the right thing simply by the fact that you are considering what is best for Rachel and are willing to do whatever you have to in order to help her to have good schooling. I think it was wise of you to separate Rachy and Steph. for a little while. It's important for kids to realize that the best people to have as friends are their own family. Where else could we find such love and forgiveness besides in our relationship with God. Our families know our faults and go through life with us through the good the bad and the ugly. Yet, they stick by us through it all and continue to show us love.

    Be careful of letting your thoughts of doubt overtake you. Satan love's to make us second guess ourselves after we make faith based decisions. We ask ourselves, did I do the right thing? Maybe I should have done this...? and so on. Remember why you made the decision in the first place. Whether you were right in taking her out of school or not, I believe God will bless you for putting your faith in Him. Life gets tough sometimes. It's a simple fact. But God is always with us watching over us and only giving us as much as we can bear to withstand at the time. Keep in mind this verse... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

    Sometimes, it takes a little longer than we would like for us to truly see and understand what it is that God would have us do. No matter what, keep trusting God and everything will turn out in the end. I love you all so much and will continue to pray for you all. Maybe it would encourage you if I told you that I have been praying for you all for over three years. Since you left church. I will definitely continue to keep you all individually and as a whole family in my prayers and will write this down and pray for it specifically. I hope this helped to encourage you!

    Love and hugs!

    P.S. I am not trying to be disrespectful to you. You are older than me and I want to show respect to the adults in my life. I just thought this might help to encourage you and also hope that it will help you to continue to trust God in every situation that comes up throughout your day, week, month, etc.

  2. Dear Michele Lee, When God gave you to me as my daughter, He already knew all the mistakes i would make (and there were many), and He knew all the heartache and trouble you would have (and sometimes "get in to")and.. He trusted me with you anyway!! I used to doubt if I was the right Mom for you, I do not doubt anymore. God also knew what He was doing when He gave Rachel to you (and Erin and Matthew!). You are a great Mom because you want the absolute BEST for your children and you KNOW that the absolute best is Jesus!! Cling to HIM, He will show you the way.
    You have wonderful children...and they have wonderful parents!!
    As an aside, I read Jessica's post and want to say a thank you to her."Jessica, you are an angel. Thank you for encouraging my daughter. God is "no respecter of persons", meaning that He does not look at our so called "positions" or our "age"..He looks at the heart...and YOU have a heart for God and His ways. I so appreciate your words and your prayers for my family. May the Lord bless you abundantly for reaching out in love the way you do!
    Shelley, you are so special to me...and to so many others. Don't doubt the love of the Lord and His continued grace and guidance in your life. I love you always! ~ Mommie

  3. Well, I will try and post my comment to this post again. It got lost the other day and I am sure that one will be different from this one, and I cannot remember all that I said then! I am sure it was brilliant and this will only be so so... LOL!

    First off I love you!!
    I am praying for you and your family.

    I talked to Rachel on Sunday and she told me that she like her homeschool curriculum ok except for Social Studies. I am not sure what you are doing for Social Studies but if you need help with curriculum choices you know I will help with that!

    As far as whether to homeschool next year or not I will not tell you what I think you should do! What is good for one family is not necessarily God's best for another family. Like Jessica I say do not jump to the conclusion that because you have trials in your homeschool journey you should put her back in Public School. Yes, remember why you pulled her out. I have had many trials over the years of homeschooling and have changed many things, time and time again. I have failed my kids in many areas in being their Mom and in being their teacher. God's Grace has given me the children I have now, not my work. There are many days I doubt my ability to cope with the daily trials and challenges of homeschooling, especially the early years and the years since Court's injury, our financial struggles again!!! and homeschooling only the boys! It is so different. I am sure it will be different again when it is only Christopher and I after Nathan graduates! A scary thought indeed!! and only 3 years away! I have so much to do helping these boys mature, learn and grow, hopefully into Godly Young Men!

    I pray you allow God to lead you as you make decisions about homeschooling next year. Consult Steve and Rachel and don't make the decision when you are in the middle of a conflict but wait it out 'til you are all calm and can talk and pray long over the decisions. We have decisions to make about how we homeschool, do we keep doing what we were doing this year or change to the more child lead whole High School Curriculum I got on a CD. By the way they have one for girls to and I bought that if you want to look at it!

    We need a lunch date!! so we can talk and share in person and have some time alone. Maybe next week we could do a whole day together! We could do a trip to Winterthur in the morning, my Mom will be visiting and so we could take two cars and everyone could go! You and Rachel and all of us! Then we could bring the kids and my mom home and you and I could go out for a late lunch or snack and talk. Rachel could stay here and play games and do stuff with my kids and my Mom. Does that sound like fun??? It does to me! Let me know what you think. Field trip for school in the morning (I know, not too early!! you don't do morning to well, LOL) and if you want Rachel to do more work than that we can handle that too!

    Well, I can't think of anything else to say and I need to go do some laundry and work on putting books into our new program on the computer for logging in the books we own. I also have some Spring cleaning to do in my Bedroom!

    Love you,
    call, e-mail, or post a comment on my blog!